Keep Your Power

A few minutes after smiling at each other across the room, I was sitting at her table. She asked me, “So what is this?”, pointing to the band’s logo on the hoodie I was wearing.

“Oh, that… They’re a band my friend is touring with. Actually, I’m not a fan at all, but I got this for free. Actually, I don’t even like it. Actually, I don’t even know why I’m wearing it, really.”

Suddenly I found myself reflecting back on the past couple years all in that moment. It’s been years since I stumbled upon this pickup community. I sometimes forget where I was, and how I got here.

When I moved out to Vancouver, sold everything I owned, said goodbye to my friends and lovers, it got easier for me to keep giving up everything.

As proficient as I’ve become in giving up, I recently decided to take it a step further. Why not give everything up? Not in some kind of Tibetan monk way (or maybe it is?), but I decided that if there was anything about my life that I wanted to change, why not give myself a clean slate to become whoever I want?

So I asked myself…

What if I had no attachments to anyone or anything?
How would things be different?
What would I do with my new freedom?
What would I say, do, act, wear?
Where would I hang out?
What will my purpose in life be?
Where will I live?

And so on…

What I realized when I was talking with this girl is that when we make radical transformations we go through a phase of being uncertain about who we are. We’ve shed our old skin, and that skin was all that we knew, so we’re still trying to come to terms with the person we’re becoming.

Right now, I’m working on being secure with the fact that I’m insecure in my own identity, and that’s my own issue. It’s all part of the process, and I’m becoming more aware all the time.

Now that I’ve gone through this, reinventing myself is something I will make a regular habit. Maybe once a month, maybe once a week, maybe everyday.

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